Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Idol Premiere Part II - Highlights Edition!

The carnival that is American Idol Season 6 rolls on! Today 9,000 strikingly talentless hopefuls amassed in rainy Seattle, some complaining the moisture in the air was bad for their vocal chords. Ah, so that's what it is.

Good news! Paula has resumed assuming the movements and posture of a normal person. She, in severe contrast with yesterday, speaks in complete sentences and sits up in her chair for stretches of time exceeding three seconds. Her face, however, is still fast resembling Michael Jackson's.

A disturbing Season 6 statistic/fact: we are running at one Uncle-Sam-costume-wearing contestant per episode.

We meet, thrillingly, a person who calls herself "The Hotness". She doubles as a walking surgeon general's warning against collagen implants. Even the ordinarily charitable Paula loathes her. She tells the camera, and a terrified viewing audience, "Simon kiss this" before pirouetting away in a whirl of matted, cocker spaniel hair.

Amy Salgado, earns quote of the day for the following gem, declared shortly before her (unsuccessful) audition: "Its hard to go through life thinking that youre not good enough to do it, and then when it actually comes down to it, you're pretty good, and you can do it,and I just feel that I'm strong enough to do it, and I'm gonna do it". She doesn't do it.

I never, ever get sick of those reaction shots of bewildered judges during awful auditions.

Simon cruelly asks a woman wearing sheer, pink arm-tights, ostensibly to conceal what surely are the most disporportionately obese arms ever to appear on television, in HD no less, if she has a sunburn. A sunburn! Hey, I laughed.

A bright spot! We are introduced to an Indian family (brother, sister, papa) possessing three of the most disarming, toothy smiles I have ever seen. The brother, at 5'10", resembles Abu from Aladdin. No matter. He sings, of all things, a Stevie Wonder song and is easily passed. His sister passes as well, on the strength of an old jazz standard. The family celebrates by beaming dazzling grins at one another. We are uplifted!

Simon divides "obnoxious" into two words, as in "ob" (pause) "noxious". To great effect, I might add.

A woman as tall as Kobe Bryant (I do not exaggerate) sings Aretha Franklin's "respect". There are many moments in her reckless, swaying performance in which I fear for her immediate safety.

A new high for Season 6: Simon, without aby apparent remorse, compares the facial structure of a contestant to a monkey.

What has happened to Ryan Seacrest? Is someone shooting him with a tranquilizer dart before the taping of each episode?

A Taylor Hicks lookalike threatens to re-style simon's hair, with hairgel he had stashed on his person. When he gets within four feet of Simon, weilding his creams, bodyguards swoop in like the secret service. I was waiting for just this sort of spectacle!

I'm still waiting for a contender, someone I'm confident will make the top three. Week 1 of American Idol is in the books and we still haven't encountered the real thing, the genuine article. I'm starting to get nervous.

- Ross

1 comment:

punxxi said...

keep writing about this Ross, I have never watched AI and if you keep this up I will never have to:o)
urs truely
a person u have actually met irl